5 years ago tomorrow

Tomorrow marks 5 years since I started "dating" Kevin.

Can't believe 5 years ago we were taking those special steps towards the cinema, to watch Bride of Chucky. Then he came over to my apartment afterwards and I gave him a mug of orange juice (it was either that, water, or milk.) We listened to some Classical Chinese music (because I had just returned from Tsing Tao, where my dad and brother were living at the time) and I lit up some Beewax candles (which Helen gave to me on my birthday.)

I lived in Montreal, on Cote-des Neiges. Very near Concordia University.

I miss Canada. If Kevin doesn't propose soon, would any Canadians be willing to marry me?

(also, happy anniversary to dilvalicious. 4 years ago, today, she was going on a special date to Fight Club)

being yourself is not an option

i dunno i dunno i dunno
not feeling very well. might be the gigantic ham & cheese bap i had for lunch --> not sitting well in my stomach
might be my lack of ideas for a gift for kevin --> i sent him a text and said he shouldn't bother buying me anything.

how E.M.O.

i still don't know what emo means. nobody has fully explained it to me. i feel sometimes that i must be it, if emo means someone who can cry when listening to The Smiths by themselves in the kitchen.
but if emo means wearing tight t-shirts, and clothes worn by other people in the 70s, then i'm definetly not that.

in any case, i think those tags are shattering: emo, punk, skin, cheerleader, grunge, goth, metal, wood, plastic, it's all just junk, isn't it? let's try to be only one thing:

the motherfuckers who will bring down american republicans.

i'll push from here, making sure bliar is not reelected; you make sure dirtybush is gone by the end of 2004

The Devil Inside - how much for it?

Do we wear dark clothes in the winter
because we want to blend in?
because we don't want anyone paying attention to us?

I was thinking about my previous post... those words were all directed to myself (of course) because I've been noticing lately, when I see a reflection of myself in mirrors, windows, how much i look like any other generic worker in this city. All that struggle when I was a teenager/early 20s to stand out... well, it was in vain. Welcome to the grind machine - everyone becomes the same.

Unless you have no money/too much money.

But I do know some people who have overcome style and incorporated it as a part of themselves. They become more than the genres they adore, they attain some kind of cultural holy grail because they are sticking to their desire to be different from the herd. It's incredibly difficult to do that, I think, the older you get. It's something you have to be lucky to fall into when you are young, when your view of the world is being shaped. Because then it becomes easy to follow those rules that are not the rules for everyone else - it becomes second nature.

As for myself, I never got over all the travelling and moving. I was too busy trying to make friends/keep friends, too busy adapting to the new school/new country, that I just didn't have time to not care about my peers. Also, I was brought up in Sao Paulo, Brazil, in the middle of a suburb (Zona Sul) where you only became a human being if you wore Nike, brand-name jeans, T-shirt from Forum/MOfficer, etc. If you didn't have those things, you were shit. And you had to listen to crap music (which I confess I liked - I'm gay so I can say that). There was one exception: it still surprises me today that my brother and I had The Clash's "Combat Rock" on vinyl when we were 10. I don't know where that influence came from.

Maybe I'm setting myself free by writing these words down. I hope so. If not, if I'm still a prisoner somehow, then it's up to you to perform all those rituals/voodoos that might set me free.

Go ahead, find a black chicken.