I Knew Him First, And I Knew Him Well

Dear Austin, you will be missed. Apart from the green one in JLS (notice what happens when you say that band's name really fast) you were the only cutey in this year's X Factor. And now you are gone. You must be wondering whose fault it is. Well, I can tell you: it's suzi fault. Yup, that's right. The one who lives on Hoe Street, Walthamstow. The one who voted for Daniel. The one who said she'd shag you if you were lying down, though don't bother to approach her down the street because she's not interested in anyone shorter than 5ft 10. How does it feel to know she ruined your career and now there won't be anymore sexy short men with emo haircuts to look at on TV Saturday nights? Gutted.

Every week, the X Factor has a theme. One week the contestants have to sing Michael Jackson songs; the next one is big band, or disco. Next week is going to be a horror fest, with contestants doing Mariah Carey.

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