My Crooked Kingdom

[dotinthesky]

When was the first time I did something REALLY wrong? Was telling a friend in kindergarden that I had magical powers wrong? Was sending an anonymous note to a girl in my 3rd grade class wrong? (she freaked out) Was betraying the hiding place of a birthday boy at summer camp, in 5th grade, wrong? (he got pelted with rotten eggs then thrown in the lake; most of the girls never forgave me.)

I grew up in a condominium of three buildings in São Paulo. To my luck, many of the residents had children my age, so I immediately made friends and became part of a big gang of kids. I'd spend all day downstairs, running around, playing hide & seek, swimming or watching the boys play football and basketball (they tried to get me to join in but I never cared much for it.)

I collected board games (but also made my own, like "The Towering Inferno" - a favourite) and we used to play them in the buildings' reception areas when it rained. I loved horror movies and made up games inspired by them for the sunny days: "The Killer Elevator", "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Jaws", you name it. My friends enjoyed the games as well and started asking me to come up with more of them each day (to be honest, the games were usually variations on each other - "Jaws 2" was pretty much the same as "Jaws", but involving pool inflatables - so it wasn't such a hard creative act.)

So much power at an early age went straight to my head. I dictated who could play and who couldn't. But I was generally a benefic despot, ruling justly over my people. One day, in a rush of tyrannical madness, I suggested to some friends that they ask another boy what he thought of me. I was curious to know what my subjects really thought. I hid behind the basketball court's wall and heard the boy, Ate (yup, that was his name), snicker that he was annoyed by me sometimes. Out I jumped and planted a punch in his gut, then told him that he was banished from our group of friends.

I forbade all my friends to talk to Ate from that day onwards. He couldn't play with us, he couldn't join us at the pool, nothing. I feel so awful that I did this to him. I think Ate didn't speak to us for months, though it felt like years. Then one day he approached me sheepishly, when he was already sort of talking to my brother, and we became friends again.

We continued to be friends through adolescence, then lost touch in our twenties. The last time I saw him was the day I introduced him to my boyfriend Kevin. Up until then, we'd laugh about what had happened - it was common for all my friends to sit around joking about when I ruled over them like a tyrant - but I still wondered how much of the experience had stayed with him. I don't think anyone ever truly gets over something like that, and it's weird for me to think nowadays that I was responsible for causing that type of pain to someone else, that I was a bully.

Comments

[steer.livejournal.com]

Wow -- you used your powers for evil! I'm glad you became friends with him again. I guess kids do fall out all the time and there's a "not talking to him if he talks to her" kind of dynamic. Still, most of us manage to get through it without too much lasting psychological damage.

I must remember never to say aloud that you are annoying sometimes.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

You wouldn't want to see me turn LJ against you...

[steer.livejournal.com]

No your majesty. You are a good and fair ruler.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

God bless; full of grace.

[kevyn-kronycles.livejournal.com]

A very interesting and honest post to read, thanks for sharing...

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

You are welcome. It had been a while since I'd written one of those.

I now challenge you, like doraphilia challenged me, to write a post about the first time you did something REALLY wrong, and what were the consequences of it. ;-)

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

I still remember how to make "Friday 13th" and "The Towering Inferno", so if we are ever stuck in a cottage somewhere with nothing to do (*cough cough* Witby *cough cough*) I'll pull out the scissors, paper and pen to make new versions of them. Don't forget to bring dice. :-)

[amanda-mary.livejournal.com]

"Jaws 2" was pretty much the same as "Jaws", but involving pool inflatables

I think that's the difference between the actual Jaws and jaws 2 films as well.


I think all children give and receive their fair share of bullying at that age, although some of us end up more heavily weighted on one side of the divide. I was definitely the bullied ... probably eight times out of ten. And I'm, er, fairly well-adjusted as an adult. Or something. Actually, that example probably isn't great consolation to you :-P

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

All my games were inspired on the films, including plot points. :-)

Though, now that I think of it, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" was about someone hiding in the building, pretending their arm was a chainsaw, rather than us having to pretend we were stuck in a house with an insane family... so I guess the rules were flexible.

[fisticuff-s.livejournal.com]

this is a lovely post. thank you for the glimpse of 'early o'.

childhood remains so fascinating to me, distant, yet terribly near. my memories of it come in waves, usually when i'm doing something terribly 'adult' and can't be bothered.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

I have strong memories of childhood, that I can recall at will. Others need a bit of coaching, a bit of meditation; and some arrive out of nowhere because of a scent, a feeling of Deja Vu, the sound of a voice, etc.

[doraphilia.livejournal.com]

this is amazing. Thank you for writing about my topic! I really enjoyed the story.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. :-)

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

Ah, your younger self reminds me of my ex-friend M___ (who ended up in a vaguely successful boy band in the early 90s).

He was the centre of attention, a rather spoilt child. People would pay court to him, and he used it. Boy, would he use it. His favourite thing would be when he was with cooler friends to suddenly stop going along with what you were saying and look at you as though he had no idea who or what this strange creature was in front of him. His other trick would be to play favourites amongst his closest friends, changing which one was in the ascendent at a whim. And we'd all go along with it, because a) we were all people with low self esteem, and b) we didn't realise that he was a naff proto-queen bitch who could only feel self worth at the expense of others.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

He sounds horrible! I'd like to think I was a slightly less naff proto-queen. :-)

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

It was more that there were aspects that reminded me. Also I hope you grew out of it (as M___ was doing this right up until we left secondary school).

The thing is he was, most of the time, great fun to be around and could be a really good friend. Right up until he had something to gain and out came the concealed stiletto.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

As soon as I hit puberty (and really *discovered* boys) I grew out of it. Became more introspective, more shy, no longer the leader of the pack. My brother says that it was the period when aliens took me to their space ship and substituted me with a pod. :-)

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

But such a NICE pod.

[desayuno-ingles.livejournal.com]

Something like that happened to me, too, in 7th or 8th grade. My friend convinced our other friend to get me to say bad things about her, while listening from behind the closed door. She said, "Hello, bitch!" when we walked out and I was devastated. That may have something to do with my paranoia around friends, but I think mostly it's how shitty I was treated throughout middle & high school by certain people in my peer group.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

Yes, I can see now how horrible it is, and can imagine how shitty it is for the person in the receiving end (betrayed in so many ways.) Thank god we grow out of childhood/puberty.

[desayuno-ingles.livejournal.com]

Yeah, big time. But we just don't really know what we're doing at that age. I mean, we can barely see beyond next week, let alone into adulthood, so I don't think children should be held responsible for mistakes like this.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

I agree. I think children act out, in many ways, their distorted views of what they perceive the adult world is like (either from their parents, teachers or even TV/film). It can be cute, but it can also be ugly. Nevertheless, it's fair to say kids don't have much of a clue.

[desayuno-ingles.livejournal.com]

True! They really don't. I certainly thought I had a handle on everything and it obviously turned out I didn't. It's a combination of not knowing you don't have all the facts and thinking you do have all the facts, with that teenage feeling you're invincible and also the smartest on the planet.

[kixie.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine you punching anyone, even as a 10 year old.

I went through a period when I was about 9 where I was friends with the class bully (girl one, not the boy one) and I ended up being a bit of a bully myself (verbally, of course. We little girls don't throw punches!), mostly because if I didn't then she'd bully me again.

After awhile it got too much and she turned on my friend and a bit after that I stopped, refused to take part in it and...was bullied again for the next, oh, five years or so. But being a kid - I can't reach that mindframe anymore, I know what I was thinking, but I can't imagine myself thinking those things now or being afraid of a bully in that way or turning on a good friend like that for whatever reason. But then we were kids, and kids are sort of a work in progress.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

I have a brother just one and a half years younger than me; punching came very easy when growing up. ;-)

[rag-and-bone.livejournal.com]

were you also bullied?

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

Yes, but not extensively. I remember one bully when I was in 1st grade, who I quickly managed to appease and turn into a sort of friend. Remember also snides from older boys, here and there, and some bullying in 5th grade when boys picked up on my "campness". But, all in all, I got through childhood unscathed.

[jellyfish93.livejournal.com]

Ollie, the mail gods delivered me something extraordinary! What thanks I have for thee. Reciprocation is soon at hand.
<3

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

The mail gods shall receive the fresh blood of a goat tonight for such a speedy answer to my prayers. <3333

[lelapin.livejournal.com]

but how does one play "the towering inferno"?

i used to play "hot lava" in all the local living rooms. the carpet becomes the lava, and couch pillows (and sometimes coffee tables) become life-saving stones. the object is to jump from stone to stone without being burnt alive.

[commonpeople.livejournal.com]

"Towering Inferno" was a board game. I drew a building on a piece of A4 paper, then cut out characters that I drew. You started at the top of the building and had to make your way down, avoiding flames, and save your ass.